Thursday, February 14, 2008

Top 5 Douchebags from Wednesday.

Outraged. I'd like to say that's what yesterday left me with. So many total douchenozzle's all over my television all evening. I'd like to take a moment to rank them based on overall douchieness. These are only the top 5 douches from yesterday. Rest assured that there were many more.

5. Donnie Nelson. I like Mark Cuban too much to blame him for trying to make such a stupid trade so I'm blaming "Donnie." Of course "Donnie" is a grown man, so simply by still going by the name Donnie makes him a daily candidate to be a top 5 douche. Seriously, just go by Don Jr. already.

4. Devean George. Going 0-11 and scoreless is pretty bad, but what's been overlooked is the beautiful job he did on the defensive end. He absolutely shut down a future hall of fame point guard. I mean made Jason Kidd his bitch. Kidd's the type of player who you live with "getting his" but Devean George stepped up to the challenge and locked him up. Not just for a game but for a whole season. Maybe even a career! (The more I write about Devean George I'm actually strongly considering taking him off this list, refusing to cooperate for a future hall of famer is pretty awesome).

3. Roger Clemens. Thanks to Roger now Barry Bonds, Mike Vick, Pacman Jones and OJ are no longer even in the conversation for being the most disgusting professional athletes of our lifetimes. Clearly it wasn't Roger's fault that this happened. He had some really bad influences in his life that he had no control over. Like his personal trainer, best friend, baby Jesus, and wife. Why has no one started a charity fund to help Roger raise money for legal expenses, if he doesn't deserve it, no one does.

2. Dan Burton. I don't think Dan Quayle ever embarrassed himself this much. Apparently as Mr. Burton understands things it is illegal or at very least "disgusting" to have lied in the past and then come under oath. Coming under oath works retroactively apparently. Terrifying.

1. Duke University. Just everything about it. It should really just be Doukhe University. Ok, maybe that doesn't really work, Douche University... whatever. Everything about the school is insufferable (just a warning, I'm going to be on this for awhile, days possibly).

I've always hated Duke, always will. There's no shortage of reasons to hate Duke, but last night watching the Maryland - Duke game I suddenly felt justified in my hatred. No, more than justified, righteous. I'm doing God's work here.

During a break in play they cut to some wretched vile creature. Something that looked like it had crawled out from the bowels of an ocean trench. I took my assumption for fact once I saw the way it flailed about as if it were suffocating on the unforgiving dry land. The abomination hurled every tendril and appendage it had available, wretched maw gaping with some pugnacious frown. Why had no one slain this creature? Call in the national guard!

It would come to my attention when the camera withdrew that this was in fact a cheerleader. A human one even.

All this brings me to my point. How ugly are Duke students if they can't even find cheerleaders who are somewhat attractive. A quick look at the student section would reveal a veritable train wreck.

Tags: Clemens, Duke, Cheerleaders, Dan Burton, Devean George, Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks, Maryland


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